I wish I was nicer

I'm going through an old hard drive and I found a video of my kid from when she was like 3 years old. She's dancing around the living room, rolling under the couch, laughing and being the bright light that she is.

And I'm aching inside seeing how pure and innocent she is. I did everything I could to protect that spirit as she grew up. And now that she's 28, I can really feel the impact of that effort. Because she's really herself!

But still, as I'm watching this old video and seeing how wondrous this creature is, the thought that comes to me is: "I wish I was nicer."

This literally just happened to me. I was watching this video and I was overcome with that feeling. Because I remember those early days how much more dysregulated I was. My kid definitely experienced the effect of that dysregulation. I know it was hard on her a lot of the time.

From the perspective I have now, understanding the nervous system, understanding trauma, emotional regulation, and mental patterns, I don't blame myself. Well at least I blame myself less than I used to.

But still,

I wish I was nicer!

And when that feeling came to me, it hurt, but also, I felt something beautiful in the simplicity of it. Because even then I was striving for that. Always striving for that.

Sometimes even with a complex philosophy like NCCP is, it's a simple thing like that which can be our compass. When I ask myself the question, "Is this really the nicest thing I can do in this moment?" It usually helps clarify my choices. Especially in the early days of parenting when we didn't know what the hell we were doing.

Looking back over 28 years of conscious relationship, I can tell you I don't regret a single time I made the effort to be nicer.

Perfection is not the point, because it's not possible anyways! We all end up in situations where we don't know what the hell we're doing. But at least we're a community of Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parents, all stumbling together. I call it stumbling with purpose.

The purpose of parenting in a way that deeply humanizes our kids. Where they feel us as their safest space, where they can be truly themselves. Where we foster a relationship of collaborators and co-learners through life.

I guess the other side of this is I encourage you to be kind and compassionate to yourself as you go through the journey. Because it's inevitable for us to make mistakes.

We have triggers and trauma in our nervous systems, patterns we inherited from our family, from culture, and 10,000 years of coercive history and hierarchical systems.

We hold all of that on our shoulders as we try and create a non-hierarchical, collaborative relationship with a 2-year-old! LoL. It seems ridiculous and impossible. And yet we strive to do it anyways.

Just the striving alone is so sheroic that when we mess up, we deserve some good old compassion. That helps us get back on the horse quicker and we open our hearts to our kids, and refresh our commitment to the process.

We also end up holding less shame and blame, because we recognize our humanity is part of the package! I used to call myself a Mistake Making Machine so that I could remember to forgive myself and not hold too much residue. Because shame residue slows us down, and I wanted to keep evolving.

But still...

I watched a little more of the video just now and again I thought "Oh I wish she had a more regulated father at that age!"

But she didn't, and I wasn't, and that's life. That's her journey, and my journey, and our journey, and I try and treasure that. I guess I hold the grief and the treasure at the same time.

Being able to hold complex feelings like that is part of the practice of Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting (NCCP), because the more we are able to hold space for the full range of our own emotions and feelings, and all the different sides of who we are, the more we can hold an unconditionally accepting space for our children.

It's a win-win-win as we say around here.

And so as I'm sitting here watching this video of my sweet angel, who's now grown, married and living her best life, I'm going to send 30-year-old Vivek some love and let him know it's all going to be okay. I wish I could give him some advice, but no, he's on his own!

He will figure it out as he goes along. Just as I am doing now! Just as we all are doing together.

This article has kind of been my late-night ramblings! This is why I don't sleep. I'm up late thinking about these things and when I had that thought that "I wish I was nicer", something about it made me want to share with you.

If nothing else, I'm hoping you'll take this as inspiration to be kinder to yourself as you walk along the journey.

Peace,

Vivek